Originally posted at Subterranean Death Cult. Yes, it is a joke.
Phil Plait is a bad man, and a bad astronomer. Known at the rubber plantation where I work as ‘El Destructor de los Sueños’ or ‘The Destroyer of Dreams’. He is technically an astronomer, blogger and host of Bad Universe but in reality he chews up the hopes and inspirations of millions of people worldwide.
Phil wrote a book called ‘ Bad Astronomy‘ which attempts to tear apart what he considers to be conspiracy theories. Theories such as the fact that the moon landing was faked and instead filmed in a television studio inside a volcano fortress. Phil refuses to acknowledge our reptilian overlords and does not even believe that aliens have ever landed on Earth (hereafter known as Home Planet Alpha) and probed my bottom.
He recently authored an article entitled ‘6 reasons why aliens would NEVER invade Home Planet Alpha‘. In it he comes up with some wishy-washy attempts at logic to justify his pay-cheque and try to convince us that we are perfectly safe from aliens. Allow me a moment to pick through them all.
1. They have superior technology
Phil (rightly) asserts that any invading alien race must posses superior technology. This is a valid point but he errs when he suggests that our technology would never overcome theirs. Phil is forgetting the classic MacGyver episode (season 4, episode 20) where he fights the aliens using only the finger bone of his son and a can of WD-40.
2. They don’t need our resources
Now he suggests that aliens wouldn’t bother coming here for resources because they are so plentiful in the depths of space. He is deliberately leaving out the high import taxes involved in asteroid/comet/nebula mining which, as any space accountant knows, are negligible when dealing with type 0 civilisations, as Home Planet Alpha certainly is.
3. Aliens don’t like the taste of human flesh
Wrong. Wrong wrong wrong. Ask any cannibal and they will tell you how tender, succulent and appetising human flesh can be when prepared properly. Had Phil ever come to one of my Long Pig parties he would know just how ridiculous he is being.
4. Aliens would have no reason to fornicate with us
Apparently the aliens would be too genetically removed from us to able to breed so why even bother? Here Phil is showing his true Catholic colours. He clearly believes in the idea that copulation is for the purpose of bearing children and nothing else. I have a news flash for you, Phil! Some people actually enjoy the physical contact! That’s what I’ve heard anyway, my wife says otherwise.
5. Human slaves would be useless to them
Sure, our alien masters probably have enough cheap robots to obviate the need for human slaves, but here Phil is ignoring the human race’s inherent ability for choreography. Can you just imagine the sight of 7 billion humans popping and locking in perfect synchronisation? A robot may be programmed to do the same thing, but it will never have the heart.
6. There really isn’t any other reason for them to come here
Phil suggests that they wouldn’t need to move in, because there would be plenty of suitable, uninhabited planets closer by. Any religious message they wish to spread could be done via email. So why bother coming at all? This is where it becomes clear that Mr. Plait truly hates Home Planet Alpha. He does not bother mentioning our pristine beaches, alpine mountain ranges or bevy of amusement parks which are fun for the whole family. To an alien, Home Planet Alpha may not be a great place to stay, but it sure would be a lovely place to visit.
Together, we can end this.